We're not together but it seems like the more time I spend with him, the deeper I fall into it. I know I'm only setting myself up for a major disaster and I shouldn't have had sex with him...but hell it had been and year since we broke up and I figured maybe everything would change. Sometimes he makes these comments that piss me off, like saying all women are lying cheating whores...then again...I can understand why he says that....especially to a girl that did. I lost my virginity to this guy...I actually regretted it at first...feeling that I had just done the stupidest thing in my life...but then came that feeling...he fucked me. Everytime we "hang" out it's like...no sooner do we get to his house and bam, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck-ity fuck fuck. Then...we don't say a word. I keep wanting to say it, "Ich Liebe Dich über alles." Or in English, "I love you above all." I told him Ich Leibe Dich once...that was so long ago I doubt he would even remember that I said it. Problem was...I actually meant it.

I suspect he dumped his girl friend for me, but why? I'm the girl who played him like an idiot and got so fucked up at a party that I barely remember getting fingered in a beat up honda by the guy next to me. I remember he got a head ache...and he had to stop within the first minute. Was that God saying, "You better not try this shit again." Divine retribution? This week he tells me he has no time for me, he's busy...yet my friend and I were in the neighborhood...there was his car just sitting outside his house...and I had to wonder...

Is he fucking someone else? Is he napping?

I've asked him if he's using me, he told me no. I asked him if he's been fucking other girls, he said, "Not yet.".

He tells me stories about when he went to such-and-such one night and he hit on this hot chick or whatever...he knows it bothers me, yet he chooses to do it anyway.

No one in my family likes him. They don't trust him.

He wonders why I'm "depressed", it's not that I'm depressed, it's that I wonder if he's getting his rocks off with someone else...or if he'll ever just ask me out again...

I don't know what to do about it.

He makes me so fucking happy about life...yet at the same time he tears me down to fucking nothing.