Don't tell your child. He has a dad that loves him, and you shouldn't cast any dissension over the relationship they have. Also, more importantly, he is too young to know at the moment. Perhaps wait until he is a little older and more mature. I would say about 10 or 12 -ish.
However, there is a lot to be said for the argument that if a child accepts something early on in life it will not be an issue later on in adolescence. For example, if you were to have adopted this child, you probably would have told him from the start that he was adopted, but that it wouldn't mean you weren't his mother, or that you didn't love him.
Alternately, make an appointment with a social worker or a youth counselor and ask them when they think it would be an appropriate time.
Posted by antigone on Thursday, 08/9/07 - 10:45pm
I agree with antigone that a social worker or youth counselor could help you make the right decision for you.
My personal feelings are that he has a right to know that his father is not his biological father, if only for medical reasons in the future. A lot of biological and health issues could come up, and there are many situations in which your son could find out as an adult. I believe that it does not matter about your son's biological father, his true father is the man who loves him and is there for him every day.
These days it seems it is more common for children to grow up without the stereotypical nuclear family than with it. It is something that is easy for them to adjust to as long as they are accustomed to it from an early age.
However, that's just my opinion. You've still got time to make your decision. Why don't you talk about it with his dad?
Posted by Anna on Friday, 08/10/07 - 12:11am
I really really strongly recommend that you tell him..
My 'dad' was not my real father, and with my family being very conventional I was never told. I always felt that there was something different about me and where I came from, I always felt that subconsciously my parents treated me slightly differently to my brother and sister and I always felt 'out of place' in my family. This kickstarted other problems - I was awful as a teenager - and my problems just grew and grew until I fell into a deep depression. I saw my doctor and other professionals and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (manic depression) and put on anti depressants. Then, when I was 19 I overheard my parents discussing whether or not my mental illness was a result of me being the 'bastard love child' of my mother and her ex boyfriend and that night I wrote a note explaining everything to my parents, and took a massive overdose of anti depressants. My mum, racked with guilt from the letter I wrote, commit suicide the next day. I'm 23 now and so lucky to be alive. Not knowing my real father fucked me up, and I know that because I had an otherwise perfect upbringing. Me and the man I know as my father have stuck together and got throught tough times together, and I know how much he loves me, it's just a shame it took 19 years of my life to realize that.
Posted by Effy on Saturday, 08/11/07 - 8:28pm
At 4? I'd say not. Would he understand if you explained the birds and the bees to him? Because if you wanted to explain that you're not his biological father, you're going to need to go in to some more detail.
It's more important that he knows who his father is, rather than who donated half of his chromosomes. One day, you'll need to tell him. But one day when he'll understand what it means.
Posted by T on Sunday, 08/12/07 - 1:26am
tell him. he deserves the truth!!! if he ever finds out without you telling him, he will HATE you!!! TRUST ME. you have to tell him sometime. so he grows up knowing the truth.
please tell him.
Posted by on Sunday, 09/9/07 - 1:05am
wait untill he is a little older to tell him,
untill he can properly understand
a child needs stability
telling him now may affect him psychologically
and he may feel different than other children his own age
if the real father is in the scene he needs telling
but if the real father wants nothing to do with the child, its not really necessary to tell the child as the child will get hurt
any man can be a father
but takes a real strong good man to be a dad
hope this helps
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6 comments (post a new comment)Don't tell your child. He has a dad that loves him, and you shouldn't cast any dissension over the relationship they have. Also, more importantly, he is too young to know at the moment. Perhaps wait until he is a little older and more mature. I would say about 10 or 12 -ish.
However, there is a lot to be said for the argument that if a child accepts something early on in life it will not be an issue later on in adolescence. For example, if you were to have adopted this child, you probably would have told him from the start that he was adopted, but that it wouldn't mean you weren't his mother, or that you didn't love him.
Alternately, make an appointment with a social worker or a youth counselor and ask them when they think it would be an appropriate time.
Posted by antigone on Thursday, 08/9/07 - 10:45pm
I agree with antigone that a social worker or youth counselor could help you make the right decision for you.
My personal feelings are that he has a right to know that his father is not his biological father, if only for medical reasons in the future. A lot of biological and health issues could come up, and there are many situations in which your son could find out as an adult. I believe that it does not matter about your son's biological father, his true father is the man who loves him and is there for him every day.
These days it seems it is more common for children to grow up without the stereotypical nuclear family than with it. It is something that is easy for them to adjust to as long as they are accustomed to it from an early age.
However, that's just my opinion. You've still got time to make your decision. Why don't you talk about it with his dad?
Posted by Anna on Friday, 08/10/07 - 12:11am
I really really strongly recommend that you tell him..
My 'dad' was not my real father, and with my family being very conventional I was never told. I always felt that there was something different about me and where I came from, I always felt that subconsciously my parents treated me slightly differently to my brother and sister and I always felt 'out of place' in my family. This kickstarted other problems - I was awful as a teenager - and my problems just grew and grew until I fell into a deep depression. I saw my doctor and other professionals and I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (manic depression) and put on anti depressants. Then, when I was 19 I overheard my parents discussing whether or not my mental illness was a result of me being the 'bastard love child' of my mother and her ex boyfriend and that night I wrote a note explaining everything to my parents, and took a massive overdose of anti depressants. My mum, racked with guilt from the letter I wrote, commit suicide the next day. I'm 23 now and so lucky to be alive. Not knowing my real father fucked me up, and I know that because I had an otherwise perfect upbringing. Me and the man I know as my father have stuck together and got throught tough times together, and I know how much he loves me, it's just a shame it took 19 years of my life to realize that.
Posted by Effy on Saturday, 08/11/07 - 8:28pm
At 4? I'd say not. Would he understand if you explained the birds and the bees to him? Because if you wanted to explain that you're not his biological father, you're going to need to go in to some more detail.
It's more important that he knows who his father is, rather than who donated half of his chromosomes. One day, you'll need to tell him. But one day when he'll understand what it means.
Posted by T on Sunday, 08/12/07 - 1:26am
tell him. he deserves the truth!!! if he ever finds out without you telling him, he will HATE you!!! TRUST ME. you have to tell him sometime. so he grows up knowing the truth.
please tell him.
Posted by on Sunday, 09/9/07 - 1:05am
wait untill he is a little older to tell him,
untill he can properly understand
a child needs stability
telling him now may affect him psychologically
and he may feel different than other children his own age
if the real father is in the scene he needs telling
but if the real father wants nothing to do with the child, its not really necessary to tell the child as the child will get hurt
any man can be a father
but takes a real strong good man to be a dad
hope this helps
Posted by T on Sunday, 09/9/07 - 11:32am