This is going to be a long post, I have many secrets to tell, many that I have no one else to turn to at this point, especially if I want to give my family and friends the impression that everything is going well in my life.. I feel that there are no problems at home. I have a family who cares for me and many close friends who I can always spend time with and have a good laugh with. College has made me realize how insecure of a person I actually am though.

I'm currently a freshman at a top-ten university. I got in with near-perfect test scores and an alright GPA (barely in the top 10%). I never really had to work that hard in school and never felt that depressed over the fact I didn't have straight A's. I went through high school being one of the 'smart people' and even came close to getting a girlfriend by being an SAT tutor to a girl for free. I loved it because I got to spend a lot of time with her and only a small portion of the time was actually spent on the SAT's themselves. Her score went up from her PSAT. She moved to California the year after though. I know that my drinking has affected my grades in college.

My first semester grades were not so hot. They averaged out to a 2.525 with the highest being an A- and the lowest being a D- orgo, not an easy class to begin with. The D was in a class that I should have withdrew from but thought I could bring up my "C-", it turned out many people withdrew from the class and my C- went down to a D because I failed the final, even though percentage wise it was the same as my other tests. The class just became a little more competitive. I could have done a little better. Since I'm taking subjects I have a greater aptitude for (math, economics, english) and only have three days for classes. I feel pretty secure in the fact that my GPA can only go up. The reasons to why my GPA was not so great first semester were selfish. I have a love for drinking.

I think I'm on the road to becoming an alcoholic. I am convinced it is the only way that I can get many people to like me, especially girls, at least for girls to be attracted to me. I often get girls thinking that I'm 'nice, funny, and smart and would be a great boyfriend.. just not for them'. When I hear girls say stuff like that these days, I just become bitterly sarcastic, that makes them think I'm hilarious but not boyfriend material. I sometimes feel that people just really don't like me and it's simply because I try so hard to get others to like me that people put up with me so I don't feel bad. I get ridiculously drunk because I feel that is the one way I can destroy any inhibitions I have around other people and I can get girls to be attracted to me by 'acting like an alpha-male'. I have had semi-one night stands since being at college, meaning we hooked up but alas I'm still a virgin. I can't help it. There are many nights when I simply get ridiculously drunk and I don't remember much just to hear friends tell me the next day, "You really need to watch what you drink, you were puking like nuts last night.". I remember passing out on a bus and throwing up in a garbage can at a frat party and of course I vaguely remember many of the girls I hook up with. It's alright, they all forget who I am. Hardly any of them know my name.

Another thing is if I really want to have a girl engage in my desires, I have to give up another secret. I have a foot fetish. This is something that no one knows. It feels so weird, but I'm attracted to the foot of a girl like I would be attracted to a breast. That's all it feels to me. I don't prefer feet over breasts, it's just that being sexually attracted to feet is an anomaly, so it becomes more of an obsession. Ever since I hit puberty, I loved days of warm weather, because that meant girls would be going to school wearing open-toed sandals and flip flops.

I have the opportunity to ask a girl I go to college with who I've been spending a good amount of time with out (we even went on two 'dates'). I definitely enjoy spending time with her and I get the impression that she enjoys spending time with me. She's easier to talk to than many other girls I know. However, I don't get to see her that often. We have different classes, live in different dorms, and she often goes off campus during the weekend to visit high school friends. We kind of met randomly the first week. I'm too afraid of rejection and having her think that I'm a freak because I 'like her'. I'm also the kind of person who loves fantasy and can get obsessed. I know that whatever happens in real life can never match up the fantasy world and in the real world, there is a chance that she may grow to dislike me once she gets to know me. I know I shouldn't be thinking this. I have many great friends who only like me more and more the more they get to know me, just as I like them more and more every day. This is different though, this involves sexual attraction. The irony is that she doesn't go to parties at all on campus and doesn't drink. I am the exact opposite. Ideally, I would love to cut down on the party scene and spend more time with her and get rid of dangerous sexual encounters and have less lonely nights masturbating to porn (yes, this includes foot fetish porn, happy!).

Instead of asking her out and facing rejection, I hope for the easy way out. I hope that I will somehow magically find 'easy love' with a drunk girl at a bar. One that loves my party-boy image, I feel that's my one shot of getting a girlfriend in college, even though there is another one I really like right now. I've learned through experience that just because one has a crush on a girl doesn't mean that she's right for me, but things feel so right with this one, but that doesn't mean she will give me a chance.

I'm incredibly self-loathing. I try to hide it through a confident exterior. I don't want people to know about my dark side. I sometimes wonder if I am simply doomed to mess up my future. What if the IQ test I took when I was 5 doesn't actually measure intellect or that the SATs doesn't actually measure potential to succeed academically? Then I have no reason to believe that I'm intelligent enough to make a positive difference in the world. I mean I fucked up academically first semester, that shows I can be stupid.

I'm an incredibly insecure person. Right now, I hope that I can make changes for the future and get on a better track in life but I know that if efforts to improve fail, I will likely start obsessing over suicide. I'm not there yet, but I'm really afraid that I'm going to do something horrible to myself that is irreversible or I'll likely just become completely dependent on alcohol for life and die an early age due to liver failure.

Advice would be appreciated.
Hope everyone is enjoying the holidays and I wish everyone a happy 2008!