you always see me as the type of person who doesn't even have feelings. who doesn't care, can't love or just doesn't belong. It's true. I don't. I know it too, I know that when you've got a scholarship for you high school, you win academic prizes, you play two instruments, volounteer to help on sunday mornings at kids clubs and you're on more sports teams than you can remember but you still go out and get pissed and have fun alot you're never going to 'fit in'. The belonging doesn't matter so much, because i still have friends about, although the only thing linking them is me. I just hate the image. That 'too busy' image, the one where you don't think i care, where i'm unsympathetic, where i don't give a damn for anybody.
I don't want that look. i'm not a cold person. I try really hard to get along with people. The thing that hurts the most is that people never think i like being hugged. I'm always craving hugs. I don't know why. Just you know when you see someone, and the first thing they do is strech their arms open. I love that feeling when you see them. When you can smell them, and then afterwards when you look each other straight in the face. A real hug, not just a brush by hug.
I've blocked out things. I am completely hollow. I can't remember much of the past. Things i should remember, like when we went here or there and we said this and that. I don't though. I've wiped it out. And people almost take offence to it, look pretty shocked that i can't recall it, but it's not a personal thing. I don't know why I do it. I just don't remember any of it, like i've blacked the whole of the past few years out. It began with just trying to forget my dad being ill, but now it's happening with everything, and I can't control it.
I have a number of pretty important exams next week too. I've had a whole week off and i've barely looked at my books. The past couple of years work will lead to nothing, because i have so many exams in such a short time and i'm not prepared for a single one of them.
i can't stop thinking the same thought, that whenever I die I'll be alone and forgotten. I don't want to be alone. I'd really like to get a guy this summer, but I'm not exactly a catch. I want to pass my exams now, so I can move on and get into the best university i can later. But the thought of falling for someone seems more important than all of that, and being alone just makes me think more of being with someone. I have some targets for this summer, i'm not just going into this blindly. There's one guy, who i know really well, and everytime i think of him i smile and i get the same impression from him but he's into rock and he's in a band and he's seen as a bit edgy. Of course there's someone else, a guy who is smart and funny, and i know him, but not as well as the other guy however if i went out with him, and managed to keep it going for about a year, i'd be more likely to at least become a senior prefect, because he's well known, plays sport and seems like a good person. I know, I'm making the decision based on my own personal goals which could be gained if i went out with the second guy. But i'm ot sure obviously, otherwise why would I be thinking about the first boy?
I want to travel. I just want to do that with my life. i wat to get away from home and see the world. So im gonna go to uni and then waste the degree exploring strange cultures and countries. My big sister has an offer to start one of the world's oldest, most prestidgeous and most imporantly best universities. And i'm still sat here, thinking about what might happen when i fail these exams, but how happy that might make me, when all that pressure just pops.
This is how I see it. I have potential. I'm a scruffy little ball of potential. but it's so wound up. And i don't think i want to be seen as smart and get top grades. There's a difference between what i can do and what i want. I don't think being the best in my class is really going to make me happy, because that's what i've been so far and i hate it. It's not particually difficult, it's just i think there are more important things, like being loved and having a sense of fullfillment. If anyone reads this, you might think i'm being incredibly dumb, and i see where you're coming from. Why would i mess up my chances when i could do anything? To be honest I'm not sure, and this might just be me giving up. I try, but these exams just aren't me, i don't know what is me, and nor i think does anyone else.