Guilty Conscience

I've never told anyone this, and it's bothered me for years and years. My older brother, who was 17, tried to get me to touch his erect penis when I was 3 by telling me that it was his belly button, only popped out. I thought it was a cool trick so I went and told my mom about it. She flipped out and started screaming at him. I found out years later that I was not the first girl in my family that he tried stuff with: he had previously raped my older sister.

For years, I never mentioned the incident again, cuz I felt I had gotten my brother in trouble. My mom still doesn't know that I even remember, and she has apparently taken pains to hide it from me my whole life (my other sister told me).

My home life was horrible. My parents were always, always fighting and my dad was never home, so my mom was always angry and took it out on me and my siblings. She was very emotionally abusive and I felt very alone.

But my guilt is over the fact that when I was 8, I kissed my little brother (who was 4) a few times on the mouth and would feel his genitals and get him to feel mine. I felt so guilty afterwards but I didn't want to get in trouble so I just wanted him to forget and I pretended nothing had happened. In doing so, I started ignoring my little brother and felt really uncomfortable around him and didn't want to talk to him. My mom wanted to know why and since I didn't want to get in trouble, I told her that he had come into my room a couple of times and tried to take off my pyjamas while I was sleeping. I have never, ever told anyone the truth, and I feel awful because my brother has some social interaction problems now and I just really hope it's not my fault. I feel awful, I was just a kid and wanted to be loved.

I will never tell anyone this secret. I can't.