I can't stop thinking about you
Posted On Thursday, July 2, 2009
I don't know why this all happened. I've spent the time since it happened trying to understand why in the swirl of commitment, fear, immaturity, and perhaps even a bit of a lack of self esteem on your part.
I want you to know I still think you're perfect, no matter how much you've hurt me, I still love you. But what hurts the most isn't that you wanted time, that you got scared, or whatever, it's that we can't be as close. It kills me that we can't just sit around and cuddle, that I can't kiss you, and that I can only say so many things about how wonderful you are.
I miss you more than anything, and I'm so sorry I can't stop hurting and be better for you. I'm tired of feeling pathetic. I miss you. I miss you so damn much. I'm so scared to let you go, I want to protect you forever and I can't.
Everytime I'm with you, I'm fulfilled and terrified. What if I fuck up and we never go back? Can we ever go back?
But I'm mad, too. I can't tell you, I really shouldn't. But I'm pissed that you did this. Why would ever feel bad with me? I gave you everything I had, and I still do. How could you ever doubt my love was perfect and I'd never, ever let you down? I wouldn't have died if you messed up! I can handle it... I just needed you to love me back. I didn't deserve this, and neither did you. You made the one mistake that could really get in the way. Trying to avoid all the shit you imagined and you ended up messing it up the only way you really could.
I can't forgive you, either. Maybe that's why it's all so different, now.
Just be friends? I told you, I'm in love. You were, too. Remember what that means and you can see I just can't really do this... I'm sorry. I'm still fucked up from this, I can't get over it. You never leave my thoughts, and I never seem to really want you to. You're still perfect and beautiful to me, and all I can do is remember all the things you said and did and I can't help but yearn for you all day.
Everyday we seem farther apart. I hate myself. I love you.
All I want to do is go back in time, just 5 or 6 weeks, and never leave.
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4 comments (post a new comment)Did they try to kill you? That I could understand not forgiving. Why can't you forgive them? Is it that terrible or did you get your feelings hurt? Feel like the other person didn't live up to your expectations? Welcome to a real relationship. If you can't work through problems together you shouldn't be together but If you really love them you should be able to forgive them. That is, if you really love them.
Are you perfect? Do you make mistakes?
Don't "go back", move forward. Do it right this time.
Posted by Are you perfect? on Thursday, 07/2/09 - 8:47pm
Is this who I think it is?
Posted by You? on Thursday, 07/2/09 - 9:05pm
ahhh obsession I luv obsession cause I am obsessive. If it really won't work grow n get over it. Or if both parties are willing take "Are you perfect?"s advice forgive, move forward, and commit to doing it right this time.
I too recently hung out with an ex & oh lord we loved each other still but he said it wasnt going to work on his side because of what page of life he was on.....it hurt but we all go through it move on or fix it those are the two choices....good luck!
btw- "You?" from above go talk to whoever you want this to be.
Posted by Lavicious Q-tip on Sunday, 08/9/09 - 6:18pm
oh n being just friends with someone that you really really loved, and were hurt by doesn't work unless there has been a lot of time and personal growth on both sides to the point that it has all healed.
otherwise it's just keeping a back door open to a relationship where the front door was closed.
Posted by Lavicious Q-tip on Sunday, 08/9/09 - 6:22pm