YNN, can we talk?

Certainly.
I only hope I can help.

First, let me say there is NEVER a reason to hurt yourself--and CERTAINLY not kill yourself because of the misery OTHERS cause. Jackasses will always be hanging nearby. Why rid the world of one more sensitive, decent person like yourself when it's the jackasses who really should die! (Of course, now that brings us to killing.) But DON'T KILL ANYONE either. LOL! That's the same as ruining your life, hurting yourself, or suicide.--SO NOT worth it!

Rule ONE: Keep that attitude to put--and keep--things in proper perspective.

When you last had these feelings six months ago, you admitted that they "subsided." This shows you that it can happen again. But where would you be if you had just ended your life then? You never would have seen that it really is possible to get over a guy--especially one who is too immature to cope with his own true feelings. This requires a lot of strength and maturity. Obviously, this guy just doesn't have it in him, despite how strong he seems.
Since you are too mature for him, this would not work yet anyway. If he is lost in this area of sexuality, he is lost also in other key areas of life.

Now, why did these feelings come back? Have you seen him, or spoken to him recently? Has he ignored you in favor of some heterosexual girl, even though you put everything into the friendship? You will feel your life is empty without him. This is gibberish. Don't buy into the mindless gibberish. There may--or may NOT--be others like this guy. Tell yourself--OH well! As you age, your needs and tastes will change anyway, leaving you thrilled you never expended any more precious energy on him. Befriend someone else--not for a relationship--just as friends. Someone you think would really value it more. Someone who could use a friend--male or female. In other words, REDIRECT your energy immediately!
I'll add more after you ponder this a bit.

Posted by YNN on Thursday, 12/10/09 - 5:17am

Slow down, your 17 , live your life in the present. Love will come in time. You have better things to do then sit and wait. Ps please don't kill yourself.

Posted by Rose on Thursday, 12/10/09 - 10:23pm

I was wondering if we could get into a form of instant contact so that you could ask and I'd be able t answer immediately. I always do better with dialogue.

I don't think he really is gay-- I just wish he were because it's been too long for me to just dismiss him. He does seem a bit lost, though, but I've not idea on what; it's not my right to meddle, anyway. We see each other every day in class, and for a time it was easy to ignore him; for some reason, though, it's getting very much harder.

I'm also over suicide. I have been for some time, but I'm not over whatever gravity well has gotten a hold on me all this time. It's rare when I can stay happy for more than a few minutes; mostly, I'm just slightly less than satisfied with life, or myself, or what have you.

Posted by OP on Saturday, 12/12/09 - 1:19am

We could certainly try to do that if it would help. There are just two problems.

One is that I will need you to walk me through how to get into the forum for this "chat" mode. The last time I used that chat mode was when you were eleven years old! That was when I was whoring myself out to the straight guys to feel "wanted, accepted, and needed by them--even if just to give them cybersex and phonesex with "an attractive young girl," me (faking).

The second is my erratic availability times online. For example, right now I started typing this at five O clock in the A.M. through many interruptions. It's about six thirty A.M now. And I am uncertain when I will next be online: several times in one day--or once every couple of days. This is how I unfortunately lose track of some very loving and funny people, even here on this site.

I have to go...again! Be back to address and compare some things you wrote in these two posts.

Posted by YNN on Sunday, 12/13/09 - 5:25am

Sorry, I've been bogged down by the holiday season. I'm free again, now.

Alright, so I've had a little break from Mr. Jenkinson, and it's done me well; I'm afraid, however, that the break is just that. It's been three years, which means around 6 long breaks from this guy, and each time I've managed to find my way back into this pit of despair. I don't exactly feel what I felt when I wrote this, but I'm pretty sure I'm just blocking it off because in no way have I resolved these conflicts.

As for the IM instructions, I have a better idea. I frequent a forum nearly dedicated to the game "Oblivion", but I'm also very close to the moderators, so I'm very sure I could use the site to allow us some directional timing. The place has a Private Message option which is incredibly more useful for erratic timing conflicts.

http://forums.uesp.net/ucp.php?mode=register&sid=2de13e5729024bbc68f778c7cd0e0265

There's the link to the Registration section of the site. That part is incredibly intuitive, so I don't think you'll be having any trouble. When you do register, go into the General forums (at the bottom) and into "General Banter". There will be a Welcomes and Goodbyes thread; just put in your post that you frequent this site so that I know its you.

As I said before, this is completely up to you. If you don't feel like doing it, then that's very much fine with me.

Thank you in advance, and if you have any questions, just ask.

Posted by OP on Sunday, 12/27/09 - 5:47pm