fuck this.

i don't know who i love anymore. my current boyfriend. or my best guy friend.
i had the option to go out with both. i chose my current boyfriend. and everyday i wonder whether i made the right decision. i love my boyfriend, i do. he just frustrates me so much. all the time. he's great when we're alone together, aside from that, i'm not really sure..i just don't know anymore. and i haven't been sure for such a long time. and i think that is the source of the depression in my life. but now i'm afraid that my best guy friend likes one of my best girlfriends. and quite honestly, i'm not sure what i would do if they got together. i really don't even know how i would feel. jealous? sad? upset? all of the above. and i don't want to be a bitch and not let them be together, i'm not even sure if she likes him, i just really don't want them together.
i don't know what to do. i don't know who i am. i wish i did. i'm afraid that i'll do something i'll regret. i want something exciting to happen in my life. and i know i control most of that. i think i could easily do something with my best guy friend, and we could end up together. but i'm too scared to change what i have with my current boyfriend. i'm to scared of the change that will occur. but then i don't want my guy friend to go out with my girl friend because then that will mean that i've completely lost my opportunity for us to be together. i'm scared i'll lose my chance, but i'm scared to act.
i just don't know what to do. i'm so conflicted, and i wanted to let everything out here..just to keep it unbottled up inside of me. i wish i didn't bottle things up. it makes it suck so much more when i do let it out. it's like this big burst of hell.
i just don't even know what to do anymore.